Two became one and now they are two again. The break-up—no matter the reason—hurts. Whether you wanted to sign the papers or not, your heart is broken and you bear emotional scars. Is there hope for recovery and healing? It may take time, but there is hope. You’ll get through this and can come out stronger on the other side. Learn from the past and make new choices for a brighter future.
Healing after divorce involves grieving what was lost and learning to move on.
A Grieving Process
With divorce, relationships, companionship, support, hopes, and dreams are all lost. Similar to grieving after a death, you’ll grieve following a divorce. It’s a process that doesn’t always follow a specific order. You may visit each stage once or several times until you reach healing.
Typically, the grieving of a divorce begins with shock or denial. The reality of what’s happened may not have sunk in. You feel numb, but this lack of emotion slowly begins to wear off.
The next phase is anger, justified or unjustified, over what your spouse put you through. As a whole, this phase is often seen as unproductive from the outside, but it is a necessary part of grieving and ought not be dismissed.
Many people also go through a time of bargaining. You feel desperate to have your spouse back and are willing to do whatever it takes to make things work again. Chances are that reconciliation won’t be successful, so it’s important to have counseling and guidance during this time.
When you realize things won’t ever be the same again, depression sets in. You feel alone, empty, unable to sleep, tired, and irritable. Like the other phases, this is normal and you’ll get through it. Don’t fight these feelings or try to ignore them. It’s okay to feel sad, confused, angry, or anxious. Know that these feelings are normal and will lessen over time. The sooner you acknowledge your emotions, the sooner you’ll heal.
Slowly you come to terms with your new norm. You start to live in the present and put the past behind you. This stage is called acceptance.
The final part of the grieving process is forgiveness. You no longer blame or hold animosity toward your ex, but are able to move forward with a new lease on life.
A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there’s less of you. – Margaret Atwood
Get Support
Healing after divorce is much easier with the support of trusted family, friends, or a professional counselor. Consider joining a support group. Knowing that others are going through a similar situation can be comforting. Don’t grieve alone. Share your feelings with those who love you and who will listen without judging.
Without support, the stress of a divorce can become overwhelming. Be willing to accept help. This may be advice, a meal, help with the kids, or just a listening ear.
Take Care of Yourself
During the days, weeks, and perhaps months following a divorce, give yourself a break. Don’t expect things to carry on as before. No one is going to die from fast food or take out several times a week. The housework may have to take a back seat for a while until you get back on your feet.
Take this time to focus on healing. Get plenty of rest. Spend quality time with your kids and friends. Minimize the stress in your life. If possible, lessen your workload. Keep a routine to maintain structure and normalcy amid the chaos and uncertainty.
Make healthy lifestyle choices and find healthy ways to cope. Depression leads many people down the path of overeating, drugs, or alcohol. Don’t let this happen to you.
Move On
Learn from the past and look with hope to the future. Don’t let the mistakes of the past repeat themselves in future relationships. Forgive yourself and forgive your ex and you’ll feel a freedom you haven’t experienced before.
